Depression
by Azuna Eri
Summary: Trigger Warning- this isn't a story. I felt i needed to explain my battle with Depression and just kind of explain my perception of it. so yeah. you may get triggered if you read this Update: also just posting various things as a way to try and work through my brain. some of you may relate. or not.
1. Chapter 1

"You're depressed? everyone gets sad."

"Get over it."

"Stop being dramatic."

"You have nothing to be sad about."

"You aren't depressed, you smile and laugh to much."

These are things I hear from people who don't understand how depression works. Most under this category don't even truely understand what depression is.  
Yes, sadness is a part of it, but that isn't what this monster hiding in my mind's proverbial closet is. This dark shroud enveloping my mind is more a bonecrushing, soul stealing, empty lonelyness. Most of the time, I can't feel much of anything. The rest is spent with a breaking heart so painfull I can phycially feel the claws of despair sink in and rip it out over and over again until i cry and beg for it to stop. Yet still it continues. Depression doesn't descriminate either. This thing is ravenous, and it does not care for your age, gender, or race. It will chew you up and spit you out until you break and become tender enough it decides to swallow you whole. It curls in your chest and leaves you aching. Sweet nothings pouring venemous hate and descust breathed in your ear endlessly. At first you try to fight.

"I'M NOT NOTHING! I'M NOT WORTHLESS!" you scream to yourself.

The beast answers back

" Yes. You are."

And you slowly begin to believe.

Worthless. Nothing. Lazy. Stupid. Talentless. Ugly Lazy. Worthless. Stupid.

A wirling movement of sour notes and bitter words that begins to accelerate their tempo. It builds, towers higher and higher until the tension snaps and-

I'm Better Off Dead.

No One Would Miss Me.

No One Cares.

The greatest poison yet slips in and, like everything else, you don't notice it at first. then the icy talons tear deeper into flesh and take a greater hold.  
So begins an even more deadly dance of mockery, shame, and hate. Yet again twirling faster until it becomes a hurricane and the glass begins to shatter under your feet. you try running but get nowhere. you try hiding but it always finds you. your life becomes a tight rope performance over a pitch black cavern and you wonder how in the world you're supposed to make it to the other side. To a safety that never comes closer no matter how far you travel. You begin to lose hope.

Self-harm

Suicide

Alive but Dead

Walking a razor thin wire has its consequences when you falter. when it becomes to much and you begin to let yourself fall into the nothing the Beast so desperatly wants you to be. This is perhaps sadder than depression itself. Not in the beast itself, but the effect it has on you and the ones around you. The thing that amazes me the most is some people Are crumbling to dust in thier own minds, and yet they still smile and laugh on the outside. that some of the people that are the most broken are also among the strongest. 


	2. Chapter 2

For sixteen years I was taught to put everyone else's needs and wants before my own. I am now almost 19 years old and I do not know how to live for myself.

"I'm finishing High School because my grandmother wants to see me graduate."

"I'm going to go to college because my mother wants me to get a degree"

"I'm going to have _ as a job because it will make (insert name here) happy."

It wasn't until recently that someone asked me what I wanted to do. I opened my mouth and gave my standard reply.

"They said-"

This person cut me off and said "I didn't ask what THEY wanted. I asked what YOU did."

So I thought about it.

And thought.

And thought some more.

What did I want?

It was then I realized that I had never done anything simply because I wanted to. I had always done things because they made others happy even if it was at the expense of my own.

And so I tried to think of something that I wanted simply because it would make ME happy.

anything at all.

I realized I had forgotten how.


	3. Trigger warning- talking about suicide

_**"Trying to make my misery just a piece of my history. A little less victim, a little more victory"**_

 **\- Happy Hurts, Icon for Hire.**

* * *

The last time i attempted suicide was 5-6 years ago.

I remember the reason I stopped very well.

It was middle school. 2nd period. Science class. The Principal announced over the intercom that a student had committed suicide. This kid was very popular and almost everyone knew them in some way. I didn't know this person at all. Never even saw them in the halls that I can recall. I was sent home early: a complete emotional reck.

I cried for them. For the friends and family. For everyone.

I understood.

I know what that desire for death is like. I know what it's like to lose someone to death. I saw what it did to the kids at school.

I realized what it did to me.

What if, when I succeeded too, there was someone who cried for me despite not knowing me? That there was someone I didn't even know who would be upset by my death?

I can't stand the thought of causing someone that kind of pain.

This person may have lost their own fight, but they still live on in a way. They're helping me with mine.


	4. Chapter 4

I recently spent some time in a mental health facility and, among other things, it made me realize some things about my family.

Unknown to me when i went in, my sister was there too. Several things happened and i ended up playing a bodyguarding/protective role because of a harassment issue. I love her very much and did everything i could to help her until she was discharged ( there wasnt much i could do overtly as i was trying to avoid starting conflit in a unit filled with people with ptsd and histories of abuse). During this time not very many people talked to me and i didnt really talk to many myself. About a day and a half after she left, one of the other patients asked me if what my sister had been saying about me was true. I wasnt around her 24/7 and i hadnt heard her talking to people about me so i said as much. Turns out that, when i wasnt around, my sister was telling everyone that i was some kind of huge masterful manipulator that could twist the pants off the president. The thing is though, i hate lying. I would sooner not say anything at all then lie to someone. And im pretty sure there isnt a selfish bone in my body. If someone asks me what I want i always say whatever whoever else wants. If i get money on my birthday theres an ACTUAL rule that they wont give it to me if i spend it on other people because thats the first thing i want to do with any money i get. I freaking gave up getting a solo in band because someone else wanted to do it. I put myself and my own stability at risk to protect her and she effectively made sure every word i said to others was discredited in return.

My mother came to visit almost every day. It was hard because i already knew that she is toxic but for various reasons i am as of now unable to cut off. And one day during her visit my grandfather somwhow got brought up. She said to me "well we [who is we?] Know about your history [what history?] Of 'remembering things' [ 'remembering things'? what does that even mean?] And maybe he wasnt as bad as you remember him." and then continued on and, basically, insinuated that im making it ALL up.

Are. You. _**KIDDING ME!**_

My grandfather was physically abusive towards me. The last time he hit me was 7-8 years ago and there are STILL times when I'll freak out if someone gets angry or flinch if someone touches me or makes a movement my brain interprets as 'HIT INCOMMING'.

Naturally, I'm beyond pissed at this point. My response was a simple one. I got up and told the person supervising visitation i was done and left. Cried in my room for a solid hour and a half. She called later that night. And i was very short one to two word responses to her. She sighed and asked if i was still upset about earlier like i shouldnt be and was putting her out because i would just get over it.

Right. Because telling someone who was abused that theyre making it up is something trivial to just 'get over'. I said " i want you to look me in the eyes and tell me if you would say that to my sister about [removed name]." Silence for about 2 minutes before she told me that that situation was totally different and had nothing to do with it and how dare i bring it up. I told her that regardless of the type abuse is abuse and if you cant say to my sister that hers in all just in her head then you have no right to tell me mine didnt happen.

Dont let anyone convince you that your blowing it out of proportion or that you must not remember it right or even that youre flat out lying. You know what happened because you had to live it. They didnt so they have no right to say anything like that.


	5. Dissociative Identity Disorder

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. Many of you will better know this disorder's old name: Multiple Personality Disorder.

First, let me tell you a few things this disorder

 **it is not fake.** while some people do fake having multiple personalities, they are romanticizing it. Those who fake it generally play with the 'fun' side and ignore the rest.

 **it is nothing like hollywood portrayals.** In movies and such often you see things along the lines of "person has evil alter that takes control and goes on a murder spree. Person later has no memory of said murder spree. Most of the time people and their alters cant agree on what kind of sandwitch to eat so i doubt they can plot and execute murder and while its true some people have violent alters, most of the time that alter is more of a danger to themself than anyone else.

 **Its not Sybil. Just. No.** while i have not seen or read Sybil, it doesnt matter. The Sybil case was fraudulent.

 **its not the same for everyone.** while there are general guidelines for diagnosis, every case of DID is different from another. Someone could have 2 alters while someone else has 56. One group of alters could be all girls or all boys or a mix. Some have genderless alters. Some have animal alters. Some even have an alter with alters.

 **It isnt always managable.** some people with DID can work well with thier alters and get a system in place and a schedual going, that doesnt always happen. For me it keeps me from getting a job because if an alter was in control at the time i had to go to work, only one of them would go in. My alters, minus the one, dont care if i have something i need to be doing and if they want to be in control well theyll just shove thier way forward and screw the consequences.

 **not everyone with DID is aware they have it.** i was one of the ones who werent aware of it. I didnt find out until i was in a mental health place. The guy doing my medication noticed rather large changes in handwriting in the journal they have you write in. Apperently eventually one talked to him multiple times. (The journal thing wasnt his only clue i guess. This dude apperently had other patients with DID and knew what to look for.)

Now im going to attempt to explain how its formed and crap a bit.

Before a defined and set of personality and self form, i child is subjected to repeated abuse. Eventually, the child cant handle the repeated abuse anymore and dissociates and 'splits' to multiple personality states.

Explanation using mirror analogy:

Imagine your body was some kind of frame. It could be square, round, a triangle made out of wood metal plastic whatever. Inside this frame is a mirror. This mirror is strong. You could hit it several times and it may get scratched up but it wont break. Many people's mirrors get hit throughout life. Now say you are a child of any age but no older than nine years old. your mirror isnt fully set and its weaker than it is when you are an adult. It can still break. Your mirror get struck. Over and over and over. Constantly. Eventually, your mirror ,because its not fully set and stable, cant take the stress anymore and shatters. The number of pieces vary from mirror to mirror. each shard is a different shape and size. Each shard reflects what it sees at a different angle some dont reflect what another does. Some are covered in scratches and chips while some have barely any to pieces near the center of the shatter cary more damage than those farther to the frame. The ones directly touching the frame are the most undamaged and hide the more damaged parts behind them closer to the center. Each scratch on a shard could mean damage of some kind. It could be the the mark of a bad memory that shard bears so another doesnt have to or some kind of physical or mental medical condition. Each shard has a sort of job to do that keeps the mirror from totally imploding under the weight of the bad because the stress and the memories are stil there adding weight.

I do not knoe if i helped explain things or just confused you, dear reader. Either way, if there is something i confused you on, didnt say, or even are just wondering about, feel free to ask. If you like you can ask about the over all disorder or about me and my alters specifically. Ill try to answer to the best of my ability. It doesnt even have to be about DID. I could also be about the depression or other issues i have talked about previously.


	6. Chapter 6

**If a child breaks and no one is there to hear it, do they make a sound?**

 _Yes? Then why do you call them a liar_ _?_

 **When you hear a child break yet turn your back, does that undo the damage?**

 _No? Then why do you allow it to continue?_

I have seen many people claim they would stand up if they see an injustice. If they caught wind of abuse they would do something about it. And many of them, when actually faced with something did everything they could to keep quiet about it.

They all stay quiet for different reasons and some even felt guilty, but they all watched. And did nothing

A girl I once knew saw someone she hated being abused by a parent but said nothing because that person was horrible a deserved to get taken down a peg or two, right?

Another person saw a friend being a abused by thier crush and did nothing because they didn't want to ruin yhier chances with them. Later on, in order to try to impress the crush, the person joined in. Besides, their friend had to have done something to deserve it right?

A girls aunt is a teacher. The girls mother is abusing her and her grandmother. The abuse is so obvious the aunt and her family refuses to come inside the girls home because she knew that if she did, she would be required by law to report it. Family doesn't betray and cause problems for family. Not to mention the girl is a lying little hellion and will grow up to be just like her bastard of a father. Right?

I'm not saying everyone is this way, but many people are. Its easy to say _" I will."_

its a lot harder to say _**"I did."**_


	7. Chapter 7

**_I AM AFRAID._**

i fear being noticed because I learned early on the safest path was to stay quiet.

I fear speaking to people because I never learned how.

I fear making my opinion known because I learned what I believe is _wrong_ if it is different.

I fear falling in love because I love with everything I have, yet I cannot give that person everything society would expect me to.

I fear making a mistake because it only reaffirms the self-hatred already rooted deep in my mind.

I fear getting angry because I am terrified i might lash out like my grandfather would.

I fear I will never get better because who would love someone as broken as me.

I fear being myself because I can't be what society prefers.

I fear I will never have the courage to speak openly without the anonymity of the internet.

And more than anything, I am afraid of being alone because when I'm alone I can't hide from myself.

I am afraid of being alone because I'm not good enough to be loved.


	8. As long as she is happy

4 months...

It is far to long yet excruciatingly short.

Today I saw her in her dress and for a moment I forgot how to breathe. In that moment she was downright otherworldly in her beauty. Her smile bright. I smiled too.

As long as she smiles, my world can never be dark. As long as she is happy, I can never be upset.

4 months...

Tomorrow we plan to spend the entire day together. Nothing is better than spending time with her. Her heart is warm and kind. She always seem to know just how to make me smile. I cherish the time we have together. Even when there are no words spoken, she chases all my doubt away.

4 months.

Its a bittersweet thing. She hung the sun in the sky for me. She has pulled me out of the dark for ten years now. Anything she asks of me is hers. I will give up everything for her. I would die for her. I love her.

In four months, she will marry her fiancé.

It hurts... But its OK.

Because as long as it makes her happy, I will give her anything. I will give up anything.

As long as she is happy, I will bear it.


	9. Memories

I have been debating for a long time whether or not to write all of this. I wonder if anyone I know will even find it.

 _I wonder if it will even matter if they do._

My first memory is of playing with my mother. We fell asleep cuddled up to each other on the couch. When i woke up in the morning she was gone and my grandparents pretended like she never even existed.

 _I wouldn't see her again for 4 and a half years._

In the second i was taking to long to say goodbye to my friends after school. When i realized they were no longer there, i ran to the exit in time to see them shut the car doors. When I tried to open the door, it wouldn't budge. They locked me out and drove away with me crying and trying to run after them. They came back 15 minutes later.

 _I was left behind 5 more times before i turned 12. Only once was accidental._

In kindergarden, my teacher chose 3 students to be the 'problem children'. My grandparents made enough money to send me to this private school but didn't funnel enough money or time into the place for them to treat me as equal to the other higher status students. I was chosen and from then on nothing i said was taken seriously. To everyone i became a disobedient and unruly child that lied everytime my mouth opened simply because the teacher said it was so. I was sent to the office for spankings nearly every day. (Fun fact: they used a wooden paddle that had a bible verse carved into it. They litterally beat your ass with the word of god.)

 _if i knew then what i know now and had proof, i could have sued that place so many times for child abuse._

the students quickly started joining in on the fun. The teachers never really discouraged them. It became a game to see who could make me cry the most. I almost had a friend there once. It lasted until i told her i'd never known my father. She sneered and told me he mustve left Because he hated me. Couldnt stand me. She was always rather hostile after that.

 _when i asked my grandparents if that was true, they didnt say yes. They never said no either._

I remember if there werent enough chairs, i would have to sit on the floor. If there wasnt enough room at the table, id be the one away from everyone else. If there wasnt enough money, id be the one that always had to go without.

 _if there wasnt nough space in the car, instead of taking two cars, i was shoved down in the foot space in the back of the little white 2002 ford malibu. When i grew to big for that, they would put me in the trunk of the van uf there werent enough seats. Always told to stay down because itll be my fault if i get seen and they get in trouble._

When my mom came back, she brought shouting and self hatred with her. My house became a warzone of venomous words and 'im sorry i didnt mean its' in a vicious cycle. She and my grandfather fought constantly. She would often lash out at me when i strained against the suffocating leash she placed on me. She would tell me she couldnt handle such a horrific and disobedient stupid kid. If she wasnt threatening to leave us all behind again, she was saying she was going to send me off to some place on top of a mountain on the other side of the country to someone who could handle me and correct me into a decent human being and daughter.

 _that house became more of a prison after that._

After my grandfather died in 2010, things became both better and worse. I was thrown into public school (i had never even heard the word evolution before) my mother trashed the house (im talking mountains of trash that reached my waist. Decomposing food, mold, mice, and all that gross shit. Im honestly suprised no one got seriously ill) my mother drowned my grandmother in debt, there were times we didnt have food to eat, and by the time the authorities finally got involved, my grandmother had a case of lice so bad it turned her white hair brown. (Im not even kidding you could see them moving from across the room. I tried to help her get rid of them but there were so many. I couldn't even go 3 minutes trying to comb them out without needing to puke. My mom forced me to go to school with lice too. Had me bypass the nurses office after a while too bc she knew questions would be asked when they still werent gone. It didnt matter how many time we got rid of them. My mother never treated herself for them so they just came back. The best i could hope fore was to get as many as i could off myself and my grandma)

 _we werent home the first time they came around so we ended up having warning they were comming. My mother made us mad dash clean the house and tried to pressure me into lying about how bad things had been. She said itd be my fault if she went to jail and she didnt even really do anything wrong. It was us that never took care of the house. She cleaned up well though. Even though i tried to tell them the truth, they never even took formal action against her._


	10. Frustration

For me, frustration is being unable to make myself speak in certain situations.

Frustration is being shouted at by teachers for distracting other students when i have done nothing wrong and they were the ones trying to destract me.

Frustration is trying to work through dissociation and reading the exact same sentence over and over and over for 2 hours and still being unable to understand or remember it, while being told to just stop being lazy and focus.

Frustration is trying to explain to teachers that the reason i never do my homework is because any time i tried, it never ended well when i was to afraid by that point to say anything.

Frustration is people triggering a panic attack when they try to pressure me about doing certain things and having to try to explain enough through the shaking, tears, and fear so they hopefully back off before I have a flashback.

Frustration is my jackass ex-landlord fucking us over by locking us out of the house a day early, calling animal control, framing us for animal abuse, causing me to have to jump through hoops to be allowed to get cleared to pick my ESA animal up, almost lose him anyways because we barely got there before the 5 day hold time was up, and we ended up having to sell several sentimentally important items to afford all of the fees to pay to get him released from the place they were holding him.

Frustration is having 6 different professionals in a row all tell me i have a disorder and not one diagnosed me with it.

Frustration is being unable to get/hold a job because of that disorder and being unable to really do anything about it.

Frustration is trying to find and afford someone willing to diagnose it and get it recognized as a disability so i can start the process of getting a trained and certified service animal.

Frustration is having to rely on others and be a burden because im as of now unable to have the tools to be able to survive otherwise.


	11. Understanding

A fully grown golden retriever and a puppy walk through the same mud puddle. How deep is the mud?

It depends on which one you ask.

* * *

I want to talk about something real quick. I want to try and make things a little clearer for some people.

Depression. It can be a hard to understand it if you've never had to deal with it yourself. In the mainstream, a lot of people seem to think depression is all sadness all the time. To be fair, it is sort of the truth... but its not at the same time.

Depression can also be emptyness. Numbness.

Think of the subject you like the most. Maybe you love gaming and movies. Maybe you like reading or camping or horseback riding. Now think of things you dislike. Maybe you dont like playing sports or gym class. What is your dream? Maybe you want to be a teacher? Rocket scientist? Truck driver? Law enforcement? All those things you care about. What you like, dislike, your goals, ect...

Imagine that suddenly, they no longer matter to you. Those things that were important to you weren't replaced with something else. There's just nothing. Your interest in things is gone. You don't feel surprised or upset about it either. Your emotions are gone too. There is nothing. You feel nothing. There is only a heaviness pressing down on you. your body feels the weight of it. Your soul feels the weight of it.

It's not easy is it? It's hard to understand something you've never experienced yourself. How can you care about nothing? How could a person feel nothing?

Personallly, I think at the heart of it is the tirednes. Have you ever been so tired that you struggled to will yourself to move? So tired that maybe you couldn't bring yourself to? It's like that. Your mind. Your heart and spirit are tired. You struggle bring yourself to care about things. You get so tired sometimes that you simply can't. There's just not enough energy. You get tired of existance. You just wants to rest. Some people do. Depression is lonelyness. Sadness. Self-hatred. Pain. Anger. Despiration. Emptyness. Numbness. It is many things.

But at it's heart its just tiredness. A desire to rest.


End file.
